* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”