I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Birds & Planes.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.