Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
This is me 🤣🤣
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.