He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work