Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Noah
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.