I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.