By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Is this a threat?