I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Breaking news:
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.