I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
jesus, what did this guy do
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two