Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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Is this you?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
all bases covered
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Every haunted house movie:
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.