If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck