Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When they try to steal your moment.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”