I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.