smh
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.