My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.