THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
You Might Also Like
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Cats (2019)
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?