I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Meow
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*