At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.