Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
mariah carrie
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me