If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE