Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my dog when i have a friend over
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.