I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.