I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Yup!
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.