Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy