whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”