I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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How to woo a woman
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man