Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days