The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Wednesday
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm