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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home