Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽