[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The Backseat Boys
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.