If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
This raises questions
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
This story is comedy gold 😂
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.