Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Cake!!
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.