Wednesday
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What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI