Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
no regrets