Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You Might Also Like
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
opening twitter today
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.