The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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Wait for it
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
B
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
This is a whole mood;
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”