Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
dutch so unserious
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Breaking news:
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx