Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?