Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.