wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.