Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!