My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
The pasta is now
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Why does laundry happen to good people?