i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
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“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.