Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.