“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.