[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
You Might Also Like
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.