[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I have two kinds of followers
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest