Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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A little too much information.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!