Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
How I’d get arrested…
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?